Citadel
by Evia Wingjade
Summary: Set a few months after Freak Nation; Max and Logan slip up, and he gets infected...I know it's been done, but there's a twist. Promise it's better than it sounds. Established relationship M/L, subtext M/A; Rated for suicidal thoughts. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

I'm sittin' on a citadel

Post-Freak Nation, so spoilers for anything are possible.

Dark Angel and all characters are not mine. If they were, I would not have to work :)

I'm sittin' on a citadel  
Contemplating life  
Making a point to waste my time  
I'm walking on clouds  
Of white

Max stood on the Space Needle, alone. She needed time to think about what had happened. What she had so nearly done. She couldn't believe that she'd slipped _again_. It was too much. She just couldn't handle it anymore. She had to break it off with Logan. She had left the hospital so she didn't have to face him when he woke up. Telling her that it wasn't her fault, and he wasn't dead. Just another near miss, he would say. He said things like that to keep her from walking away. He was afraid to loose her again, and she knew it. She hated that it would hurt him, but she would rather live with the though of him alive and hurting than of him dead.

She wheeled around, staring out at the lights of Seattle. She could make it without Logan. She had done it before. He had made it, too. They had both suffered, sure, but that was better than him being dead—wasn't it? _Of course_. She was going to drive herself crazy doing this. She already knew the answer to the problem. Going through with it was the hard part. She hated the thought of never seeing him again. Never speaking to Logan again, it would likely break her in two. She knew it would break her heart to walk away from him again. She had just gotten him back. They had been so careful. She was on the very edge of the needle. _I wonder how it would feel to hit from here?_ Max wondered, looking at the ground. Seth had done it. He had over come his Manticore training and allowed himself to die. Could she? Did she really have anything left to fight for?

What if I fall  
What if I don't  
What if I never make it home  
What if I bleed  
What if I break  
And I find that I can't take  
The city below the citadel  
Holding my own hand?  
Sittin' alone

She shook her head at her own foolishness. She knew she couldn't take the cowards' way out. She had too many people counting on her. _Didn't she?_ She suddenly wasn't so sure. Alec had started playing a greater role in the affaires of running Terminal City. He could do it without her. Cindy and Sketchy would continue to support the transgenics and transhumans even if she was gone. Logan, well, he would deal. He had managed when she had died the last time. Even Joshua would be okay, now that he had friends in T.C. Nobody left to worry about. She peered over the edge of the Space Needle again.

And I'm breakin' on the balcony  
Breakin' window panes  
I'm killing the pain of broken hearts  
I'm walkin' on clouds  
I'm walkin' on stars

What if I fall  
What if I don't  
What if I never make it home  
What if I bleed  
What if I break  
And I find that I can't take  
The city below the citadel  
Holding my own hand?

She felt like she was forgetting something, but she didn't know what. Or maybe she couldn't think of whom it was she had forgotten. _Well, 609 feet is a long way down._ Max though to herself. She really was bothered by this, this thing she couldn't figure out. She knew that she would never take the jump if there was something she still had to do…

Holdin' on to something  
That's keepin' me from jumpin'  
So afraid to go in alone  
Holding up this fortress  
With imaginary forces  
Longing for a life down below

What if I fall  
What if I don't  
What if I never make it home  
What if I bleed  
What if I break  
And I find that I can't take  
The city below the citadel  
Holding my own hand?

She looked over her shoulder at the top of the roof's slope. She thought she had heard a noise inside…but that was impossible. She was surprised that her senses were on the fritz…but then so was the rest of her life. No one could be scaling the Needle, because no one knew she had come here, and there was no other reason for anyone to make the long climb to the top.

The city below the citadel  
Holding my own hand?

The city below the citadel  
Holding mine.

She faced the long drop-off again. She was pretty sure she could do it now. She would never see Logan, or Alec, or Joshua again. She wouldn't even see Cindy again. Cindy; that was one amazing female. And Joshua—Max hoped that he would keep painting. Logan, well, Logan would be better off without her. But Alec,

"Max?"

Max turned her head, looking over her shoulder once again. But this time she knew what she would find.

"Uh, Max, why are you so close to that god-awful drop off?" Alec asked, looking a little nervous.

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the hospital!" Max was beyond ticked. Had he actually baled on giving Logan a transfusion?

"Max, Logan's fine. I actually came to find you. He's asking for you. Went stark white when Cindy said you'd left. What's that about, huh?" Max just looked at him. "Oh, I get it. You're scared to see him, after what happened. Well, don't be. And if you have to be, get over it. None of us are going to let you make the same mistake twice."

"Alec, just what are you talking about?" Max asked, looking him in the eye.

"Cindy told me months ago that the last time you infecting Logan, you left the hospital and told him you could never see to him again. And here you are, obviously not at the hospital, so it looks kind of familiar."

"Oh, well, you don't need to worry," Max said, looking back out at the view of Seattle.

"That's good to know. Why not?" Alec looked slightly scared. He had not expected Max to be reasonable about this. She was downright calm. That was not the reaction of the Max he knew, and it was worrisome.

"Because I'm not going to bother anyone anymore." Max stated firmly. "I'm going to stop it all, right now."

And Alec saw it. In less that a second, he realized that his darkest fear was going to become reality. He was about to be alone in the world again. He shot forward with as much speed as he could manage. It was almost too slow. Max had already stepped off the roof of the over 600-foot building, and was barely starting to drop, when the X-5 caught her right above the elbow. She nearly pulled Alec off the roof with her, but he caught his balance just in time, crouched precariously at the edge of the roof.

She had not counted on Alec interfering. But then, while she was hanging on to his arms, Max realized what all-important factor she had forgotten. _Alec._ She had forgotten that they had become friends, and siblings, and that she had to keep him out of trouble. He was looking at her with so much terror in his eyes, that she remembered how horrible it was to loose a sister. Memories of Tinga came flooding into her mind.

Max look into Alec's eyes, and she knew he saw the fire back in her gaze. He hauled her back onto the roof. He watched her, but without any real concern. She knew she wasn't going anywhere, and she could tell that he knew it too.

They walked a few feet from the edge, and sat down together, Alec with his arm around his 'sister'. They sat in silence for a while, then

"Max,"

"Yes, Alec,"

"Why?"

Max could hardly believe that he had dared to ask. Then she was even more surprised to hear herself telling him everything. She spilled every last thing that had passed through her mind while she stood contemplating the long drop, and all the pressures of the last couple months that had been building up.

Alec sat in silence for a few minuets, digesting what he had been told. Them he pulled Max into a tight hug. "Max," he said quietly, "the next time you get this bad, come talk to me. Or talk to Cindy, or even Joshua." He looked Max in the eyes, still holding her shoulders. "I never want to come this close to loosing you again."

Max leaned into his shoulder, letting herself rest. This was her brother, her _brother_, for heaven's sake. Why hadn't she talked to him? To any one? _Because I'm a coward_, she thought, hating herself for having put her family through this mess. Disgusted with herself for wanting to take the easy way out, she sighed heavily, and was surprised to find tears on her cheeks. She looked up at Alec, who had held while she cried silently on his shoulder, knowing that they were a family. He wiped the tears from her face, and hugged her again.

"C'mon Maxie," Alec said, standing up and holding out a hand. "We need to get back to the hospital before Cindy and, and Logan think I have you hold up somewhere."

Max smiled. "Okay. But don't think I'm going because you told me to. And don't expect me to start claiming you in pubic."

"Wouldn't dream of it Maxie, wouldn't dream of it."

Holdin' on to something  
That's keepin' me from jumpin'  
So afraid to go in alone.

Max walked into the hospital room, and smiled at Logan. It was a weak smile, but it was there, Logan registered with relief. He had been afraid of what would happen when Original Cindy had said that Max had disappeared.

"Sorry about that. I needed to clear my head for a bit. I was gonna be back before you woke up. Guess I lost track of time."

"It's okay," Logan said, smiling back. "I was a little worried, but since you're here…"

"I am here, aren't I?" Max's smile was real this time, and to Logan, it felt that the room was actually a little brighter.


	2. Chapter 2

Ring, ring, ring… "Wha-huh

Ring, ring, ring… "Wha-huh?!" Alec was startled into wakefulness. In the less than half a minuet it took him to grab the ringing phone, he was fully awake and heading for his closet. "Hello?" Alec said to the phone.

"Alec?"

"Hey Max, what's up?"

"I need you at the hospital. Now. Sam's practice."

"Max, what's goin-"

"It's Logan. I infec-"

"I'm on my way." Alec hung up the phone and pulled his shirt on, then one sleeve of his jacket and locked the door. He pulled on the other sleeve as he walked to his bike, and was dialing Original Cindy's number as he started it up.

"Whassup?" Cindy sounded but annoyed and apprehensive. "I'm at work. Ya know, where you should be."

"Cindy, you gotta get to the hospital. Where Max goes,"

"What's wrong with Max?!"

"She's fine- physically. Logan is infected with the virus again. He's not so good, and Max is gonna need you. I'm on my way to give Logan a blood transfusion."

"I'm going. I'll just… grab a package that's headed that direction and call Normal from the hospital."

"Great, Cindy. See you there." Alec looked down to put his phone in his pocket and nearly ran off the road. _I gotta slow down on those curves,_ he thought. After all, he was pushing 70, having left the residential district and its enforced speed limits behind minuets ago. He was dodging the traffic that couldn't keep up with him, and hadn't caused any accidents, so he was fairly happy with the time he made. When Alec pulled into the hospital parking lot, he was still running 50mph. He stopped just short of the sidewalk and killed the motor. He raced into the hospital and up a flight of stairs, heading for the Emergency Room—the place he expected to find Max. He dodged four civilians and three medical personnel. _Why do I always thinking military terms when I'm… okay, yeah, I'm scared; for Logan. And for Max._ When he came across the floor of the Emergency Room, people got out of the way. Alec was too busy looking for Max to notice that he was in military stance, surveying his surroundings with a completely closed expression—which was bothering most of the medical staff, and starting to scare the people waiting to be admitted. When he saw Max, his military mask dropped, and he ran to her side. She hugged him, and then took him to the Doctor who was treating, or trying to treat Logan.

It was 15 to 20 minuets after Max had called him, and he was lying in a hospital bed next to Logan's, blood streaming through a tube stretching between them. Alec knew better than to look at it. He would start feeling the blood loss soon enough anyway. He let his mind wander…

And found himself thinking of Max. She had looked so scared, and even worse, she looked lost. Max, who had saved his ass more times than he cared to count. She had actually Thanked him for coming—like he didn't have to. _Like I don't owe her my life a dozen times over._ _She seemed to know I would come, she was just glad I had come so quickly._

The truth was it scared him to see Max looking so helpless. _She always saves the day, and now she's sitting in a waiting room chair, just hoping for the best like everyone else._

Alec dozed off, thinking about Max, Logan, and himself. He woke up when a pillow landed on his stomach. He looked around to find Logan sitting up in bed and staring at him.

"Oh, hey Logan. How ya feelin'?"

"I'm fine. Where's Max?" Logan asked, his tone suggesting annoyance. Alec looked toward the chair where Max had been sitting, then back at Logan.

"I don't know, Buddy." Alec paused as Logan glared at him, "But I'm sure she's here somewhere. I'll go check the waiting room. I called OC on my way here, maybe they're sitting together." In reality, Alec knew that Cindy was sitting alone—he could see her in the waiting room.

"Okay; hey, tell her I want to see her, will you?"

"Sure thing, Buddy!" Alec said, grinning. Logan almost cracked a smile. Almost. _I wonder if I'm loosing my touch?_ Alec thought as he left the room. He let the fake smile fall as he approached Cindy, who was staring into her coffee cup.

"Cindy," Alec said, and she looked up. She'd been crying, which he knew was Not a good sign.

"My girl left." Cindy answered the question before he asked it. "Said she needed time to think. Didn't tell my where she was goin', though. There was something—off about her, Alec. I'm scared for her."

"I'll find her, Cindy. I think I know where she'll go." Alec gave her a smile. "You get to keep lover-boy busy." At Cindy's perplexed look, he added, "Logan. He's awake."

"Awh, dammit," Cindy said under her breath, and turned to head for the hospital room door. Alec saw Logan go pasty white when Cindy walked in instead of Max, and he took off in a dead run. He stopped to mount his motorcycle, and made a beeline for the Space Needle—Max's favorite place to think.

_Why do X-5s have to like heights_, Alec wondered. He was half way up the building, and he was very sick of stairs. He wasn't in the slightest bit winded. All the stairs were just annoying.

He stopped for a second or two on the second landing from the top, and then started the next flight of stairs.

When he stepped onto the roof, the first thing he noticed was the fresh air. Then he saw Max. She was standing and looking—not at the lights of Seattle, as she normally did, nor at the stars as she occasionally was wont to do, but straight down at the pavement.

"Max," Alec said, just glad to find her.

As Max looked over her shoulder, Alec noticed something odd.

"Uh, Max, why are you so close to that god awful drop off?" Alec asked, feeling a little nervous. _After all, it's over 600 feet down,_ he thought.

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the hospital!" Max said sounding a little ticked…

"Max, Logan's fine. Actually, I came to find you. He's asking for you. Went stark white when Cindy said you'd left. What's that about, huh?" Max just looked at him. "Oh, I get it. You're scared to see him, after what happened. Well, don't be. And if you have to be, get over it. None of us are going to let you make the same mistake twice."

"Alec, just what are you talking about?" Max asked, looking him straight in the eyes.

"Cindy told me months ago that the last time you infecting Logan, you left the hospital and told him you could never see to him again. And here you are, obviously not at the hospital, so it looks kind of familiar."

"Oh, well, you don't need to worry," Max said, looking out at the view of Seattle.

"That's good to know. Why not?" Alec asked, feeling slightly more nervous than before. He had not expected Max to be reasonable about this thing. _She should be all emotional and "it's for his own good" right about now,_ he thought.

"Because I'm not going to bother anyone anymore." Max stated firmly. "I'm going to stop it all, right now."

_Why is she wobbling like that…_ And Alec saw it. He realized that he was about to loose his sister. She was going to jump, and fall off that sickeningly long drop, and hit the pavement, and he would never be able to run fast enough to catch her before she hit…

He had started to take a step when he saw that Max was moving too. Alec darted forward—any human would only have seen that he disappeared—and grabbed her by the only point he could. He almost went off the roof with her, but he crouched and regained his balance at the last second. Alec didn't care that he had almost gone over the edge; he was too busy holding on to his sister, his Maxie, for all he was worth. _She looks so confused_, he though, reading the emotionss in Max's eyes. Then comprehension slowly came to her. Alec watched it play across her face. She had obviously realized what she had almost done to him—_and to everyone else, _he hoped. He felt Max's muscles bunch as she started to lift herself up, using his arms to pull herself, and he helped her, putting her feet back on the roof.

They walked a few feet from the edge, and sat down together, Alec with his arm around his 'sister'. They sat in silence for a while, then

"Max," he said, finally putting thoughts into words.

"Yes, Alec,"

"Why?"

Alec listened as, after a short pause, she told him everything. Everything she had been thinking, feeling, all the reasons she had wanted to end her miserable life, and why she had thought she could do it. He knew it was everything because her shoulders drooped, like she was deflating and embarrassed. And she was crying, apparently without noticing.

Alec sat in silence for a few minuets, digesting what he had been told. Then he pulled Max into a tight hug. "Max," he said quietly, "the next time you get this bad, come talk to me. Or talk to Cindy, or even Joshua." He looked Max in the eyes, still holding her shoulders. "I never want to come this close to loosing you again."

Max leaned into his shoulder, and Alec let her rest there. _My god,_ he thought, _how did this happen? How did none of us notice? Why did she think none of us needed her? Well, no one but me. I can't believe she told me that. I have to talk to Cindy later. She should know that, that this happened. That this Almost happened._ Alec couldn't even think the word suicide, knowing that he would be applying it to the woman in his arms. Alec knew that she had been crying silently on his shoulder, and didn't say anything about it when she looked at him. Instead, he wiped the tears from her face, and hugged her again, feeling like he had a family even more than usual.

"C'mon Maxie," Alec said, standing up and holding out a hand. "We need to get back to the hospital before Cindy and, and Logan think I have you hold up somewhere."

Max smiled. "Okay. But don't think I'm going because you told me to. And don't expect me to start claiming you in pubic."

"Wouldn't dream of it Maxie, wouldn't dream of it."

As Max walked into the hospital room, Alec let out a sigh of relief. He was surprised there had been no argument about going to see Logan. She was actually smiling when she walked in. It was a weak smile, but it was there.

Alec watched as his sister walked into Logan's hospital room and started talking. Logan, he saw, looked like someone had threatened to cancel Christmas on him, but he'd been given a reprieve. _Well,_ Alec thought, _if I thought I was going to loose a woman like that, I would have that look too, I guess._ Then Alec smirked—_As if there's a woman like Max anywhere._


End file.
